The ultimate online trader would have the touch of Wayne Gretzky, the speed of Pavel Bure, the finesse of Pele, the focus of Tiger Woods and the bladder of an elephant.

Don’t take it personally, guys, but the elephant is the most important player on this team. Going to the bathroom at the opening bell can cost you millions. NEVER, NEVER relieve yourself at the bell.

How do I know this?

A few opening bells ago, I committed the cardinal sin of online trading — going to the bathroom at 7:27, three minutes before the bell. I had already devised my game plan by checking live pre-market bids for several companies. DataWave Systems was screaming at me — Buy! — so I was going to sneak in a bid just before the bell.

DataWave, a Vancouver-based company that provides smart-card services, is one of a few high-tech penny-stock companies that is profitable. It soared to $2.20 in March and more recently it has been swinging in the 30- to 60-cent range, a swing trader’s dream.

It also represents our biggest winner in the Traders’ Edge Portfolio, where we made a 55-per-cent profit in one week when the stock popped from 38 cents to 59 cents in October.

I’d been fortunate enough to swing trade DataWave for profits several times in recent months. On this morning, it was particularly enticing. The pre-market bid and ask prices were at 32 cents, meaning it was assured of opening at 32 cents unless somebody increased the ante.

Since there was more volume on the bid side, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to buy it at 32 cents so I was going to bid 33 cents, knowing I was virtually assured of scooping the 9,000 shares that were showing on the ask side at 32 cents right at the open. The market depth showed that the next ask price after 32 cents was 39 cents, meaning that once I purchased the stock at 33, I could move in front of the line of ask prices by placing a sell at 38 with an excellent chance of getting filled.

That would be a 21 per cent profit, or $628 dollars, for a net profit of $574 after the $54 in commission for the two transactions.

So there I was counting my money in the bathroom. When I returned to my computer, I still had two minutes to make the trade.

Plenty of time, I thought, knowing I could execute in about 30 seconds. I clicked on BUY, typed in 9000 (shares), typed DTV (ticker symbol), highlighted CDNX (the exchange), clicked on DAY order and clicked on Review Order. It took less than 10 seconds.

I began to type in my four-digit password, the final step. If I had the touch of Gretzky, the speed of Bure, the focus of Tiger and the finesse of Pele, it was a done deal. But I was distracted by a pair of sparkling earrings — being modelled on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange by CNBC’s Maria Bartiromo — and somehow I botched the password.

ENCRYPTING TRADING PASSWORD, the computer scolded me. I hit RETURN to retrieve the order. This time, as I began to type the password, the time — 7:29 — caught my eye. I panicked and hit the CAPS LOCK.

ENCRYPTING TRADING PASSWORD, it screamed. On the third try, I completed the trade but the confirmation showed a time of 7:30.08 — eight seconds late. I’d been gonged!

It was no surprise when I called up the live quote and saw that the stock had opened at 32 cents. My bid was still up at 33 cents and the ask was 39 cents. The next trade was 39 and in a few minutes the bid/ask was .38-.40.

Normally, a trade will get hit at the open if it is placed 30 seconds before the bell but it’s wise to give yourself at least five minutes, even if you have to show your hand to the other traders. My trip to the washroom cost me $574. Needless to say, I was feeling a little flushed.

ANALYST'S THREE STARS:

Elvis Picardo, analyst at Vancouver-based Global Securities, believes that banks could benefit from expected declines in interest rates over the next year and his pick of the crop is Toronto-Dominion Bank (TD-TSE).

Picardo also likes T-D because of its successful integration of Canada Trust and its TD Waterhouse subsidiary. He has a 12-month target of $50 for the stock, which recently traded at $39.90 (year range, $32.85-$46.65).

Picardo’s other picks are Calgary-based Encal Energy (ENL-TSE) and Intrinsyc Software (ICS-CDNX).

Encal recently traded at $9.40 (year range, $5.90-$10.50) and Picardo’s 12-month target is $13. He notes the stock is trading at less than five times operating cash flow per share of $1.91 (trailing 12 months).

Intrinsyc, which makes embedded computers, gets a $5 target from the analyst. It recently traded at $3.15 (year range, $1-$9.70).

SITE OF THE WEEK: Santa.com

If you want to get into the Christmas spirit (you know, shopping), send your kids to Santa.com where they can read in the Polar Post a heart-warming yarn about Santa’s weekly weigh-in.

More likely, though, your kids will not be clicking on Santa but Nintendo Game Boy for $79.99 US.

HOT STOCK:

INTERNATIONAL UTILITY STRUCTURES IUS-TSE $1.00 Up .30 (+43%) on 25,300 shares (for week ending Dec. 15)

On a week when the TSE, CDNX, S&P 500, Nasdaq and Dow were all beaten like rented mules, a utility-structures stock was the life of the party, emerging from the Calgary barrel smelling like a rose. Not that investors have been falling head-over-heels in love with International Utility Structures. It started the week at its year low of 70 cents and still has a long climb up that light standard, down from a year high of $3.10.

COLD STOCK:

SYNSORB BIOTECH SYB-TSE $1.76 Down .79 (-31%) on 1,038,000 shares (for week ending Dec. 15)

The Calgary pharmaceutical company picked a bad week to tell shareholders it was shelving development its SynSorb Pk drug for E. coli treatment to focus on the drug it considers more lucrative — SynSorb Cd for diarrhea caused by antiobiotics. CEO David Cox characterized it as good news but, in a market suffering from severe anxiety, even good news is bad news. These days, no news might be the best news.