That raucous cheering you hear in the background?

Those are the bug-eyed Biovail analysts who apparently are still trying to figure out how many little pills you can jam into one truck almost two years after a batch of the company's anti-depressant drugs was destroyed in a crash in Chicago.

And joining the analysts at this party are those die-hard, shell-shocked Biovail shareholders who have been trying to figure out why so many analysts aren't issuing their usual rosy buy recommendations for this fallen angel of the TSX.

About the only ones not cheering a recent report in the Globe and Mail that Biovail has appointed a special committee to oversee a plan by chairman Eugene Melnyk to take the drug giant private are Eugene's friends, the short-sellers.

Gosh, without Biovail and those heart-thumping downhill ski runs on market shocks, what to short?

Of course, it's mostly wishful cheering, as taking a company such as Biovail (TSX:BVF) private is no small task and Andre Uddin may have it right.

Uddin, a National Bank Financial analyst, recently wrote in a report that any rally of Biovail stock on speculation of a private buyout should be viewed as a "selling opportunity.”

Biovail shares have only been able to muster a five-per-cent pop since the story broke.

Taking any company with a $3-billion market cap private is a monumental task, but Biovail, as shareholders would attest, is not just any $3-billion company.

This is a company with its credibility in shreds, whose largest shareholder, Melnyk, is unpopular with analysts and shareholders.

Melnyk, who owns 14 per cent of Canada's largest publicly traded pharmaceutical company, is obviously frustrated by the way the public market has been beating up on the stock. But if he thinks the company isn't getting a fair shake from the market, it shouldn't be too difficult to figure out why.

Naturally, it's all about image, and considering all its credibility issues and Melnyk's history of feuding with analysts, this company, public or private, may be beyond a facelift.

Under Melnyk's watch (he was CEO until last October), Biovail's image took a major thumping and even recent attempts by the company to repair some of that damage seem to be falling on deaf (shareholder) ears.

In May, Biovail announced, as part of new corporate governance initiatives, that Melnyk would be taking no cash salary or stock options.

Of course, stockholders have probably forgotten that already, but they won't soon forget that Melnyk was Canada's highest- paid CEO in 2001 with compensation totalling $122 million.

But that's only one of a plethora of thorny issues that continue to dog Melnyk and the company's stock, which recently traded in the $20 range, a far cry from $90 just four years ago.

Biovail, whose stock also trades on the New York Stock Exchange, currently faces investigations from both the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and the Ontario Securities Commission (OSC).

The SEC is probing Biovail's accounting practices, while the OSC has said it is "conducting a full review of disclosure records" and "suspicious trading activity."

From a sales perspective, Biovail faces a daunting challenge with its flagship drug, Wellbutrin XL, headed for competition from the generic drug market by 2007.

Considering Wellbutrin accounts for about one-third of Biovail's revenue, shareholders may need an anti-depressant and may only be able to afford a generic drug.

Despite the stock's pathetic performance, only three of 14 analysts who cover Biovail have buy recommendations on the stock, according to Zacks research (there are also eight holds and three sells).

David Maris, formerly of Banc of America Securities, no longer has a sell rating on the stock, but he has launched a defamation suit against Melnyk.

So, considering the sorry state of Biovail, analysts and shareholders who have been cheering ought to enjoy this going-private party while it lasts.

If a privatization doesn't materialize, the lights could go out in a hurry at this shindig.

And you know how painful those champagne hangovers can be. If you don't, just talk to a Nortel shareholder.

FOOD FIGHT: The market, which normally frowns on acquisitions, recently gave a resounding thumbs up to Metro Inc.'s successful bid for A&P Canada.

Montreal-based Metro (TSX:MRU.SV.A) not only beefed up its food market operations in Ontario and Quebec with a $1.7 billion cash and stock deal for A&P, but also its stock. Shares in Metro instantly ramped up 16 per cent on the news. The stock has quietly returned almost 75 per cent over the past 12 months.

At the same time, shares in Sobeys Inc. (TSX:SBY), the company that was outbid by Metro, took an instant nine-per-cent hit on the news.

Metro's market cap has hit the $3-billion plateau compared to Sobeys' market cap, which has slipped to about $2.4 billion.

Stay tuned. This may just be the tip of the iceberg in the Canadian grocery wars.

SAGE WORDS: "A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away."

- Charles Schwab, founder of discount broker Charles Schwab Corp.

Hot Stock

Camco Inc.

TSX:COC $3.47 Up $1.27 (+57.7%) on 322,900 shares (based on weekly stats through July 28 for Canadian stocks over $1)

Camco's long-suffering shareholders finally got a boost, from Mexico of all places. Privately held home appliance manufacturer Mabe made a $70.4 million bid for Camco, a 53-per-cent premium on the share price of a company that has been in decline since 1999 when it peaked at $7. Camco, of Mississauga, makes home appliances at a plant in Montreal. The deal had General Electric written all over it. GE owns 51 per cent of Camco and 48 per cent of Mabe.

Cold Stock

Arriscraft Int'l Income Fund

TSX:AIN.UN$4.05 Down $5.85 (-59.1%) on 726,100 shares (based on weekly stats through July 28 for Canadian stocks over $1)

If you didn't see this latest income trust disaster coming, apparently you weren't alone. In May, Arriscraft CEO David White provided an optimistic outlook on the company's stonemasonry business and said he was confident aggregate cash flow would be sufficient to meet the targeted 2005 distribution to unitholders of $1.20 per unit. Now the financially strapped Cambridge, company says it has a serious shortfall of $1.4 million for distributable cash and has suspended its 10-cent-per-unit July distribution.

Financial data compiled from The Canadian Press Stockgroup

(Gyle Konotopetz can be reached at gyle@businessedge.ca)