This column may contain forward-looking statements.
While my pal Bre-Xer has been serving hard time on a remote Mexican beach, I have been engaged in truly exotic entertainment on the Internet. I have been READING NEWS RELEASES.
Feeling under the weather? Need a good chuckle? There are zillions of heart-warming news releases by publicly-traded companies on the Net, some of which contain traces of actual news.
As a public service, we offer a sampling of these news releases complete with translations (company names have been changed to protect the share prices).
* NEWS! Hundredpercentoff.com, a leading provider of online bargains, is pleased to announce that it is restructuring its business to suit the current dot-com environment. Due to the sensibility of current negotiations, we are not at liberty at this time to disclose our mandate.
TRANSLATION: Oops, we goofed. Frankly, we haven’t had a visitor to our Web site in three months. We’re stumped. Call us if you have any ideas. Hurry, we may be delisted any day now.
* NEWS! Pork Belly Up, a leading provider of cholesterol-free pork bellies, takes great pleasure in announcing that it is pursuing alternate financial arrangements.
TRANSLATION: The banker’s at the door. Don’t call us. Our phone’s been disconnected.
* NEWS! Bra-X Inc., a leading provider of exotic underwear, believes it has a very strong case in its defamation lawsuit against the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.
TRANSLATION: Our lawyers are damned liars.
* NEWS! Dough Nuts Unlimited, a leading provider of doughnuts to law-enforcement agencies, wishes to assure shareholders it has sufficient resources to sustain its current operations and knows of no material change in company activities to account for the moderate dip in share price.
TRANSLATION: We’re not broke today but wait till tomorrow. OK, we admit it — we’re a one-cent stock. Our shareholders aren’t as dumb as we thought. n NEWS! Snazzytypewriters.com is thrilled to report a record 800 per cent increase in revenue in the third quarter compared to the second quarter. (Last paragraph) Revenue for the second quarter was three dollars and 29 cents. TRANSLATION: The securities commission made us tell you this. We sold one typewriter in the third quarter. We sold one typewriter ribbon in the second quarter. We’re not thrilled at all.
ANALYST'S THREE STARS
Marcel Brichon, analyst at Vancouver-based Global Securities, says that with the market “in a state of flux” there may be safety in trust units and, in that theme, he has buy recommendations on PrimeWest Energy Trust and IAT Air Cargo Facilities Income Fund.
Calgary-based PrimeWest (PWI.UN-TSE), which had a recent price of $9.10 with a year range of $6-$9.30, recently doubled the cash distribution to unitholders in its most recent quarter compared to a year earlier to $22.7 million.
“They’re making piles and piles of money,” says Brichon. “While oil and gas has been strong, they’ve raised $40 million for acquisitions and expansion.”
IAT (ACF.UN-TSE), which recently traded at $11.30 and has a year range of $6.75-$12, owns air-cargo space at airports in Western Canada.
“They have some of the largest and most stable clients in the world such as Federal Express,” says Brichon.
He also rates Pacific Insight Electronics Corp. (PIH-CDNX) a buy.
“Although it’s a little more risky, I believe it’s a hidden gem,” says Brichon of the Nelson, B.C.-based company, which recently traded at $3.70 (year range, $2.85-$5.75).
“This company has $3 million in cash sitting in the bank, it has nice growth and the stock price hasn’t been rewarded.”
TRADING TIP Read, read, read. If you’re making your own investment decisions and don’t understand the trading game, you have a recipe for disaster. Go to school. There are numerous books in libraries and bookstores on trading.
SITE OF THE WEEK: Teenvestor.com
This site by Gateway Publishers is jammed with material (over 400 pages) and several hundred links for teens interested in entrepreneurship, investment skills and academic skills — crucial life skills the school system flunks out on. And Dr. Teenvestor is on call to answer any teens’ questions.
HOT STOCK
CELL-LOC CLQ-TSE $11.45 Up $3.25 (+40%) on 2,262,000 shares (week ending Nov. 24)
Your ears are ringing. Your guts are churning. Your heart is in your throat. You are the proud owner of stock in a mind-numbing roller-coaster ride named Cell-Loc. The Calgary-based developer of the Cellocater wireless device locator was in a free fall early in the week, hitting its year low of $4.50, then charged like mad at week's end with investors appeased somewhat by news that the company had hired James Hill, a chief financial officer with an impressive resume.
COLD STOCK
TIBERON MINERALS TBR-CDNX $1.26 Down $1.24 (-50%) on 2,455,000 shares (week ending Nov. 24)
Pound one more nail in the coffin of that headstrong trader who still doesn't get it — you know, the old buy-on-rumour, sell-on-news theory. The Calgary-based company released what appeared to be promising drill results from its Nui Phao mining property in northern Vietnam only to get hammered mercilessly. The stock recently skyrocketed to $3.50 on speculation of an intriguing discovery of tungsten, bismuth, copper and gold but nose-dived after the trading halt, swooning to 72 cents before recovering.
