Stop the presses, gang. This just in!

NEW YORK — Wirelesswires.com, a leading global provider of wires that are wireless, announces that its CEO, John E. Wries, drove to work in his car today with the radio on.

OK, so we made it up. But you get the idea.

Anybody can write a press release for a public company these days and have it disseminated to 800 countries and people with no lives will actually read it (in fact, I’m reading one now on the split screen).

Of course, a year ago, the preceding press release would have caused a veritable stampede of frothing investors loading up on Wirelesswires.com because they would have somehow interpreted it as earth-shattering news.

I can’t get a proper train of thought here because my e-mail keeps beeping.

It seems every second minute there’s another press release from Nortel Networks, “the global leading provider of press releases.”

It seems that, ever since Nortel’s credibility has been scrutinized over news that people wanted to see but didn’t, the company has been churning out syrupy press releases as if they were Schwartzie’s super cinnamon bagels.

According to my pal Bre-Xer, who claims to have read them all, some releases even contain traces of news.

For example, one of nine daily releases recently stated: “Nortel Networks e-mobility* Internet base transceiver stations (BTS), designed to support UMTS (Universal Mobile Telecommunications Service), EDGE (Enhanced Data For Global Evolution), CDMA (code division multiple access), GPRS (General Packet Radio Service) and GSM (Global System for Mobile Communications) services, will add support for GSM 850 and UMTS 1900.”

(Bre-Xer sent this one to Jay Leno on The Tonight Show for translation).

It’s a wonder these high-tech companies get any work done what with releasing news that the CEO had skim milk with his Cheerios.

The oil and gas companies, meanwhile, are so old-fashioned they just don’t get it. When they send out a press release, they actually have a point.

As for privately held companies, they’re so uncool they make announcements about news! They announce a multi-billion-dollar contract and then toss in a footnote: “By the way, we also appointed a new CEO in 1967 — old ‘what’s-his-name.’ ”

A committee recently issued a report cracking down on disclosure rules for public companies. Now, maybe they can fine companies for issuing more than five press releases a day.

Or, better still, they could make the CEOs read their press releases out loud on street corners.

John Roth, you’re at the front of the line.

PRO'S THREE STARS

Fred Pynn, vice-president of Bissett & Associates Investment Management, chooses three “defensive, sleep-at-night” TSE stocks that have weathered a stormy market in recent months — Suncor Energy (SU), Metro Richelieu Inc. (MRU.A) and Magna International (MG.A).

Pynn notes that Suncor is nearing completion of its oilsands plant near Fort McMurray. The stock’s recent price was $41.55 with a year range of $29.40-$44.38.

“In the next couple years, we expect a substantial increase in oil production,” says Pynn. “This is a very low-risk stock.”

Metro-Richelieu (recent price, $23.85, year range, $16.10-$25.25) is a Quebec-based grocer trading at low price-earnings multiples.

“This is a particularly good defensive stock,” Pynn says of the company, which boasted 20-per-cent earnings growth in its most recent quarter.

Magna (recent price, $75.50, range $57.40-$79.70) is a solid play, says the Calgary-based analyst, because it is diversified across major auto companies and trading at less than 10 times earnings.

Pynn’s record: November picks are down nine per cent (CAE +28 per cent, Four Seasons Hotels -24 per cent, MDS -30 per cent.) All three stocks are part of the Bissett Canadian Equity Fund.

* CHEERS: To Purdy Crawford and his committee for the release of 28 recommendations aimed at increasing disclosure by Canadian analysts and preventing potential conflicts of interest. The industry was long overdue for a wakeup call.

* JEERS: To Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, for being asleep at the switch with slow interest-rate cuts this year after cutting too aggressively last year.

Greenspan could silence some of his critics with swift action — a half percentage point cut this month instead of waiting until a May 15 meeting.

HOT STOCK: Wireless Matrix

WRX-TSE $4.29

Up $1.88 (+43.8%) on 172,600 shares (for week ending April 12).

Wireless Matrix has had a rough go since peaking over $16 last fall, but showed a nice rebound. Investors have been concerned about the Calgary-based company's balance sheet, but Scotia money manager Allaster MacLean gave it a vote of confidence by predicting profitability by the end of this year. Wireless makes equipment that allows customers to monitor and control electronic equipment from remote locations.

COLD STOCK: Radar Acquisitions Corp.

RAC-CDNX $1.20.

Down 32 cents (-21.1%) on 28,300 shares (for week ending April 12).

The mining sector is about as sexy as Rodney Dangerfield's plaid sports jacket. And here’s another example of a mining stock getting beaten to a pulp. Calgary-based Radar released an update on its heavy-mineral resources in Colorado, but shareholders didn't seem too thrilled. The result? A 21-per-cent hit on the stock, which has drifted down from a high of $4.50 in July, '99.