There is a way to make lots of money fast, with almost zero risk.
Sound too good to be true? It’s not. But there is a catch. You must have no scruples. Scruples are unfashionable anyway, right?
The key to success in this kind of scheme is trust. Today’s headlines are filled with tales of charismatic millionaires cashing in on the trust of shareholders, colleagues and investors, who time and again actually believe the financial statements companies release.
With the right strategy, you, too, could pull the wool over the eyes of an unsuspecting flock of sheep.
In a way, it’s like the pedophiles who use their positions of trust to carry out despicable acts against children. Becoming a priest has been the perfect cover for many.
Let’s apply that principle to business.
What do the following events have in common?
Publicly, Merrill Lynch & Co.’s stock analysts promote companies that they deride via private e-mail.
Enron executives encourage employees to acquire company shares while quietly divesting their own.
In my opinion, the common theme is deception for personal gain.
Everyone’s doing it, even the big boys, so join the crowd – don’t get left behind this gravy train.
In finance, who do the people with money trust and look up to most? CEOs, of course. So that’s the goal: become a trusted CEO. Here’s how.
The first step is to join a large, preferably blue-chip firm. (Alternatively, start your own big firm. It’s harder this way because you have to come up with a Bre-X-type concept, which requires an initial investment, unfortunately, a “believable” idea and some risk. If you have chosen the start-up option, skip the next three paragraphs).
Getting any job with such a corporation will suffice. The important thing at this stage is not the job you do, but the trustworthiness of the company.
Now you have to climb the corporate ladder. First, convince your boss to trust you.
Take him out for dinner. Share with him how honest and religious you are. If that doesn’t work, you may have to resort to private investigators. Before you know it, you can blackmail your way up a rung.
Seek out as many corporate secrets as you can, and use them as leverage towards getting another promotion.
If there are no corporate secrets, create some. Illegal contract workers, questionable tax deductions or pirated software are my favourites.
Eventually you should have your own department.
Next step: make sure all your underlings fear you. This is best done by initially having them write out detailed job descriptions.
Next, lay off every second person – preferably the more “rule-oriented” ones. Then assign each remaining employee one laid-off person’s tasks, in addition to their own, basing this all on the written job descriptions.
This cost-cutting technique has the double benefit of impressing your boss and creating tremendous anxiety amongst your staff.
By giving employees far more work than they can handle – in writing – you have a ready excuse to fire anyone who either gets in your way or threatens to blow the whistle while you make your next big move.
This strategy should quickly get you to the top of the food chain (or your bosses will recognize how dangerous you are, and give you a rich severance package – in which case you can jump ahead to the last paragraph or start over again, whichever you prefer).
Now you need to be creative. It’s hard to be specific here because so much depends on the nature of your business, but what you need to do is find some pie-in-the-sky scheme.
It could include anything from “discovering” huge gold deposits, a new technology or a revolutionary business model.
This is where Merrill Lynch, Enron, and Bre-X might serve as templates.
Risky? No. From a market capitalization of $37 billion US, Merrill Lynch has had to fork out a paltry $100 million US to call off the regulatory watchdogs.
Enron is as sunk as the Titanic, but Enron CEO Kenneth Lay will keep his multi-million-dollar mansion.
The risks were low for Lay and company because they knew the loopholes.
Special entities, holding companies, questionable “partnerships” and generous political donations are all proving helpful now.
This is also where “reputable” accounting and law firms come in handy.
They will inform you of all the pitfalls and vehicles available – all safely within aggressive interpretations of the law.
Now you have manufactured facts and/or manipulated “clients.”
But you still need cash. That’s where the public markets come in.
There are thousands of gullible people out there who are trying to save up for their retirement, and they think that blue-chip equities are reasonably safe.
They’ve heard that the markets have historically outperformed all other investments – except starting a solid business and making it work (but that’s WAY too hard and risky).
Promise them the world, sell them bonds and shares, and grant yourself stock options.
Tell investors that if the stock price goes up, you will dilute their shares and take a good chunk for yourself at bargain prices. They love this stuff.
Make sure you cash out just after your financial officer tells you that things have gone sour. Ideally this will be a month or two before anybody else finds out.
You’ve just made yourself a fortune about as easily as can be.
Naturally, my idea won’t work forever.
The markets will gradually develop a chill. The genuine risk-takers and productive people will gradually become starved for capital and write scathing satires about you.
By then, your name, and the names of most other “priests” of the corporate world, will be mud.
But what will you care? You’ll be living in Bermuda.
