The Excited States of America has a new national pastime.

Forget baseball.

The most electrifying games south of the line are being played by the marquee players on Crook Street (formerly known as Wall Street).

Even baseball’s steroid-laced swingers can’t compete with this imposing lineup of money-grubbing cheaters, liars and assorted other dubious characters who have been ruthlessly picking investors’ pockets through an alarming series of corporate scandals.

Canada, too, has the odd scandal but, when it comes to the big games of corporate greed and accounting hanky-panky, Canadians are bush league by comparison.

Even Canada’s most famous corporate villain, former Nortel Networks CEO John Roth, might have trouble cracking our daunting all-star squad of Yankee corporate swingers who will do whatever it takes to steal home.

With so much natural talent, it isn’t easy filling out the lineup card but, in a Special Tribute to America, we’ve taken our best shot.

Here’s how the batting order stacks up for the gang known as the Crook Street Black Sox:

1. Martha Stewart, CEO, Martha Stewart Living.

Pete Rose batted leadoff so why not Martha, who is whipping up a new recipe: battered stock (MSO-NYSE)? What pitcher would want to face the Queen of Perfection with egg on her face from an alleged insider-trading scandal?

The diva of domesticity is in a stew over selling her shares of ImClone worth $228,824 US in December just a day before the FDA announced it wouldn’t review the company’s cancer drug called Erbitux.

Judging by her cosy relationships with Merrill Lynch broker Peter Bacanovic and ImClone CEO Sam Waksal, among
others, Martha’s a mean contact hitter, worthy of the leadoff role on any team.

2. Pete Bacanovic, Martha’s broker, Merrill Lynch.

Who better to advance Martha into scoring position than her broker? As a broker to the elite, Bacanovic, who was abruptly placed on leave over the ImClone scandal, is a wily batsman.

The day before the ImClone news broke, Bacanovic, Waksal’s broker, dumped ImClone stock worth $2.5 million US for Waksal’s daughter Aliza. According to investigators, Waksal tried to sell 72,000 of his own shares with Bacanovic’s help, then tried to give them to Aliza before ImClone lawyers blocked the transactions.

Bacanovic, the former director of business development at ImClone, knows how to connect – he has been friends with Alexis Stewart, Martha’s daughter, for 20 years and introduced her to Waksal (yes, Alexis Stewart and Waksal dated).

3. ‘Kenny Boy’ Lay, former CEO, Enron.

“Kenny Boy,” nicknamed so by his old pal President George Bush, speaks softly but carries a big stick. He was
the CEO of Enron when America’s seventh-largest company became America’s largest-ever bankruptcy, but is not boastful about his claim to fame.

“Kenny Boy” refused to show up to testify before a Senate committee investigating the scandal. The only problem with “Kenny Boy” is that he traded virtually everything at the helm of Enron and might even trade himself from our squad.

Oh, well, we could always get Jeff ‘I-Don’t- Remember’ Skilling, his predecessor, to pinch-hit – if he remembers to show up.

4. Bernie ‘The Milkman’ Ebbers, former CEO, WorldCom.

For a one-time milkman from Edmonton, our cleanup hitter sure knows how to swing for the fences. The charismatic Ebbers swung dozens of deals in building WorldCom into the second-biggest long-distance provider in the U.S.

‘The Milkman’ resigned in April after the SEC began investigating the company’s accounting and loans to corporate officers, including a $366 million US loan to Ebbers. The company faces fraud charges over an admission that it removed $3.8 billion US in expenses from its income statement.

As Harry Caray would say: “Holy Cow!”

5. Joey Berardino, former CEO, Arthur Andersen accounting firm.

If Lay and Ebbers strike out, who better than Berardino, the former head of a company that has been found guilty of obstruction of justice, to pick up his teammates and drive Martha home.

Arthur Andersen took care of the books at both Enron and WorldCom while Joey was the CEO and the company shredded Enron documents. Winning isn’t everything in corporate America – it’s the only thing.

6. Jack Grubman, superstar telecom analyst, Salomon Smith Barney.

Hey, every team needs a rah-rah guy to rally the troops. Grubman, regarded by many as the most powerful analyst on Crook Street, knows something about cheerleading, having been WorldCom’s No. 1 cheerleader for years.

He’s a clutch hitter, having downgraded WorldCom stock in the nick of time, hours before the scandal broke. Now, that’s timely hitting!

7. Dennis Kozlowski, former CEO, Tyco International.

Kozlowski is a natural to grace this lineup, drawing an uncanny resemblance to one-time slugger Harmon ‘The Killer’ Killebrew.

The artful dodger from Tyco has been indicted for allegedly trying to dodge $1 million US in sales tax by shipping empty boxes to Tyco’s New Hampshire headquarters, while shipping $13.1 million US worth of art to his Manhattan apartment. Tyco has also been under scrutiny over its accounting with Kozlowski at the helm.

8. John Rigas, former CEO, Adelphia.

Now here’s a gamer who won’t be afraid to break up the double play. Rigas was ousted from the cable giant Adelphia in May after it was learned that the company’s founders, the Rigas family, had given themselves about $3.1 billion in off-balance-sheet loans that were backed by Adelphia.

9. Henry Blodgett, former Internet analyst, Merrill Lynch. The ego-driven Blodgett will want to bat leadoff but, even on a Murderer’s Row lineup reminiscent of the ’27 Yankees, somebody’s got to bat ninth.

Blodgett, the celebrated poster boy of the tech bubble who bailed as the ship was sinking, got rich championing stocks such as Pets.com that turned out to be dogs with fleas.

The Black Sox would no doubt look stunning in traditional pinstriped flannels, but swindled shareholders would suggest a fashion statement to suit the times, such as prison stripes. In fact, investor confidence may not be restored until someone winds up behind bars.

* SAGE WORDS: “One of the greatest failings of today’s executive is his inability to do what he’s supposed to do”. – Malcolm Kent.



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