The world-famous CEO answering the phone at North Pole Toys Inc. sounded merrier than an elf in a train store.

“This is Mr. Claus and, although we don’t have an advertising budget, allow me a plug for the company,” gushed the upbeat chief executive officer, roaring with laughter seven sleeps before Christmas. “We have more toys than Toys ‘R’ Us.

“But let’s get on with the interview, kid, Santa’s kinda busy, ya know . . . Hey, Rudolph, hook two more engines on the train and let’s blast through the tunnel one more time! Chug-chug-chug-chug . . . ”

1. What was your boyhood dream, Mr. Claus?

“Oh, how I wanted to play centre field for the Giants! But, as a youngster, I couldn’t catch a cold and, as Mrs. Claus likes to tell it, I was slower than her in a three-legged sack race. My dream? To own a toy store and never charge a dime. The worst business in the world. And the best. I guess I’m living my dream. The children know.”

David Lazarowych, Business Edge
The big elf gets his jollies reading about business trends — then ignoring them.

2. What was your first job?

“I wasn’t so unlike every other kid who grew up to be a CEO. Which is to say I had a paper route. Except I got fired. You see, they actually expected me to charge for the papers. Imagine that? Preposterous! Ho-ho-ho!”

3. Who has had the greatest influence on your life?

“Mrs. Claus. She’s the CEB. Chief Executive Baker. Pass the sugar cookies, hon . . . ”

4. Describe your business philosophy?

“One chimney at a time, the works gets done. And, never, never forget, it’s better to give than to receive. The children know.”

5. What’s your marketing philosophy?

“Merry Christmas. Other than that, we don’t have a marketing philosophy per se. We don’t endorse any products or companies. The children know.”

6. Pardon me for saying so, Mr. Claus, but we’ve seen you drinking Coca-Cola in commercials on television . . .

“Yes, the elves told me about that. I’m afraid Coca-Cola and many other companies have exploited us in a terrible way. Contrary to popular belief, the fat man’s beard is not white as Coke seems to think. It is grey. And Santa doesn’t drink the stuff. He only drinks a famous concoction created by Mrs. Claus.”

7. How much are you suing for?

“Mrs. Claus, do we have a lawyer? (Chuckling) Nope. Mrs. Claus informs me that we don’t have a lawyer at North Pole Toys Inc. But we have Pepsi. Mr. Buffett (Warren Buffett, the major shareholder of Coca-Cola through Berkshire Hathaway), don’t you forget to hang your stocking over the fireplace. Ya might want to have a drink of Pepsi on us, ol’ pal. You see, we may not have a lawyer but we have a sense of humour. The children know.”

8. How do you explain the fact that you have not a single woman on the board of directors of North Pole Toys Inc.?

“Mrs. Claus, is this correct? (Laughter) Mrs. Claus informs me that there is in fact one woman on the board who is the chairman of the board. Mrs. Claus. Being humble as she is, Mrs. Claus didn’t want this fact advertised. So you’ve got yourself a little scoop, eh?”

9. Have you contemplated taking your company public?

“I don’t have to ask the chairman of the board about this one. You should ask the elves this question. They had Nortel stock socked away in their pensions. I’m afraid my colleagues may soon be taking matters into their own hands – by showing up to work in ballcaps and turtleneck sweaters. But I’m confident they’ll come to their senses once they hear about the Christmas bonus – Jimmy Stewart’s classic It’s A Wonderful Life. If we went public, I think the shareholders might resent our policy of NROE - No Return On Investment. But seriously, are we not a very, very public company? You might ask the children. They know.”

10. What is your secret to instilling such a warm and cheerful work atmosphere?

“We let the elves bite the toes off the gingerbread men. We have egg-nog breaks every 15 minutes. Afternoon naps are mandatory. We don’t take ourselves too seriously. We don’t own cellphones. Ever since santa.com went online and we heard that horrid sound of cash registers ringing, we dismantled all of our computers and used the parts to build toy trains. Hence, we don’t have to stop work every 10 seconds to close those pesky pop-up ads. We whistle while we work. We love our work. We play with our toys. We’re just a bunch of overgrown kids. The children know.”

11. Are you ready for the big night?

“Mrs. Claus, am I ready for the big night? (Laughter) Yes. Mrs. Claus informs me that I’m ready. My diet seems to be working. I’ve gained 13 pounds this week already, thanks to Mrs. Claus’s delicious home-made high-fat egg-nog. Now, if we can just figure out a way to illuminate Rudolph’s nose so we don’t take out out too many chimneys on our landings. For some reason, our power supplier, Enron, hasn’t been returning our phone calls.”

12. What about reports that you’ve contracted a virus?

“As I’ve said, we no longer use the Internet. We’ve out-sourced our e-mail services and have all e-mail messages from children converted into letters. Letters written in crayon, assorted colours. We think that’s the next big thing on the stock market.”

13. Is it true that you’ve received anthrax in the mail?

“We know if you’ve been good or bad. We know if the mail is good or bad. We know that, in the end, good prevails over bad.”

14. What message do you wish to convey to the children of the world?

“Hold the cookies and milk. Santa is fat enough. Send it to the food bank.”

15. If you could snap your fingers and do one thing to improve the quality of life in Alberta, what would that be?

“I’d want people to stop hurrying and start listening. They ought to listen to wise men like Jim Gray (chairman of Canadian Hunter Exploration). As he told Business Edge, his world ‘would be a place where we would all be more respectful, tolerant and appreciative of other people, a little less greedy, a little less impatient, a little bit more understanding and a little more appreciative of what we’ve got . . . just take it easy a little. I mean, my God, it won’t matter that much if you’re a little late and miss a deal. Stop and smell the roses.’

Santa couldn’t have put it any better.”

16. Is Alberta in a recession?

“I was almost trampled by folks at the West Edmonton Mall last week. It was like crossing the infield at the Calgary Stampede during the wild-horse race. If this is a recession, I’m the Easter Bunny.”

17. What’s the best advice you can offer a CEO?

“Bob Cratchet gets Christmas and Boxing Day off to play with his toys. Listen to the children.”

18. What’s the perfect gift for the CEO who has everything?

“A cellphone that only works weekdays.”

19. What’s the perfect gift for Santa Claus?

“Images of happiness, peace and goodwill. Caroling Scrooges. Sick children laughing. Streisand singing. The homeless and destitute stuffed with turkey and cranberry sauce. Lanny McDonald putting smiles on the faces of Special Olympians. The Oilers winning the Stanley Cup.A raise for the teachers and a brighter future for the children. The expression on Ralphie’s (Klein, the premier) face, when he opens his Christmas present.”

20. Pardon me, Mr. Claus, what is that ringing sound? Did you not state earlier that you do not use a cellphone?

“It’s the bell on the Christmas tree. Another angel has her wings. Ho-Ho-Ho!!! And a Merry Christmas to one and all.”

IN PROFILE: Santa Claus

* Born/raised/age: North Pole, Young At Heart.

* Title: CEO, North Pole Toys Inc., director Ho-Ho Inc.

* Education: Yes.

* Family: Wife Mrs. Claus, all the children of the world.

* Idol: Willie Mays.

* Career: Sleigh pilot, chimney sweep.

* Days off per year: 364.

* Favourite Toy: Train set.

* Passions: Home-made egg-nog, sugar cookies, reindeer jokes.

* Website: No-No-No!

* Address: North Pole, HoHoHo.