We dialed Santa's private line at North Pole Toys Inc., 464-646-4646 (HOHOHOHOHO), and anxiously waited to hear the jolly voice of the company's legendary and ageless chief executive officer.

A woman answered.

"Martha Claus speaking," the woman said in a cranky, business-like tone.

"Mrs. Claus, I wish to speak to Mr. Claus. It's been three years since we last chatted for the Edge's 20 Questions feature and I thought . . ."

Photo by Elves Photography, a subsidiary of Christmas Inc.
The restructuring at North Pole Toys will give an unemployed Santa Claus lots of time to rest by an open fire.

"Santa is no longer with us," she snapped rudely. "And stop calling me Mrs. Claus. We divorced last month when he gave Rudolph a raise."

"Oh, Santa finally hung up the ol' reindeer reins. How wonderful. Well, I'm sure he earned the rest . . ."

"You don't get it, do you?" retorted Martha Claus. "The ol' coot has been fired. You're speaking to the new CEO of North Pole Toys. If you've got some questions, let's hear 'em, and quick. I'm very busy today."

1. What are you busy doing today, giving the reindeer a workout, perhaps, or checking who's been naughty or nice?

"No, we have more important things to do. We're downsizing our operations. Don't waste my time asking me about silly things like reindeer and wishlists. Geez, for Trump's sake, I've got nine more firings today. Hold the line a sec. Rudolph, YOU'RE FIRED!" 2. When we last spoke to Santa three Christmases ago, he was in fine spirits and seemed to have the company on a roll. Why was the jolly elf fired?

"Santa had too many sugar plums dancing in his head to pay attention to the bottom line and properly commercialize the joy of Christmas. He was always giving stuff away. Instead of sharing the profits, he should've paid some attention to market share. With Christmas coming, we couldn't afford to keep a sentimental old fool in a red suit at the helm of a company with such enormous marketing potential. We were losing market share. We couldn't tolerate that fuddy-duddy attitude any longer. They say the shelf life of a CEO is four to five years. Santa's was almost 2,000 years. It was time for a change."

3. Did Santa get a multi- million-dollar severance package reminiscent of other high-profile CEOs?

"We offered him 25 per cent of his salary for the next 25 years, which we thought to be a fair offer. Unfortunately for him, he didn't have a salary and you know what 25 per cent of nothing is."

4. How has Santa's untimely departure affected staff morale?

"The country club atmosphere is gone. No more eggnog breaks. No more naps. No more toying with the train sets. The staff is real serious. Yup, we're a real company now. Stone faces all around. Isn't that wonderful?" 5. Why did you take this job, Martha?

"Naturally, for the children of the world. OK, OK, I've just always wanted my own private corporate jet for Christmas."

6. Who is the CEO you most admire?

"Who else, but Donald Trump?

He didn't get his corporate jet by parading around in a red suit and giving stuff away. Geez, how can you not admire a CEO who could fire someone on Christmas Day?" 7. You have some big boots to fill, moving from chief executive baker to chief executive officer. How will you manage that?

"That's easy. First, we'll liquidate some odds and ends. The ol' coot's boots will go on eBay. They should fetch a pretty penny and just imagine what Santa's sleigh could fetch. As the title of Trump's new book says, think like a billionaire."

8. Is 'The Donald' on your Christmas list?

"Donald and I have already had lunch and he likes what we're doing with the company. He says North Pole Toys ought to be headquartered in New York where the action is. We'll be offering Donald a directorship with North Pole once we take the company to a new level."

9. What do you mean, 'new level'?

"Here's a scoop for you. We're in the process of taking the company public on the New York Stock Exchange. We will be launching an initial public offering in the New Year. Wall Street will be bonkers over this IPO. If you thought Google's IPO was big, wait'll you see ours.

My corporate jet will be bigger than Trump's."

10. Bill Comrie, owner of The Brick, gave his employees handsome bonuses when he took that company public. Will you do the same for your dedicated and hard-working elves?

"(Whispering) We plan to fire most of our elves before we go public. We'll be out-sourcing our labour to reduce costs. That seems to be the trend these days. It seems to work for Wal-Mart, so why not Christmas Inc.?" 11. What's Christmas Inc.?

"Oh, that's going to be the new name of the company when it goes public. We'll be moving our offices from this frozen wasteland to New York, so we're ditching the old North Pole name. As Christmas Inc., we'll own the Christmas trademark. Ultimately, we'll spin off an online gift store, Xmas.com. Our brand names will be bigger than anything Martha Stewart ever cooked up."

12. Will Martha Stewart, the former CEO of Martha Stewart Living, also be offered a directorship of the new company?

"How'd you know what I was thinking? I've had some difficulty getting ahold of Martha (Stewart is serving a jail term for lying about a stock sale), but I plan to arrange a meeting with her when she's not tied up. We're looking for quality individuals to sit on our board. Say, you wouldn't have Conrad Black's number, by chance?" 13. Out-sourcing has become the buzzword at many corporations these days. Are you also outsourcing Santa's traditional Christmas Eve shift?

"As a matter of fact, Bill Gates is the new Santa. Microsoft has designed a computer program to create a Christmas list on budget and another program that will fill stockings online, free of reindeer droppings and chimney issues. You see, the Christmas spirit is alive and well."

14. Do you also have a computer program to create a Christmas spirit?

"As a matter of fact, our marketing department is in the process of developing such a program. It is being designed to convert the Scrooges of the world into shopaholics or, as we like to call 'em here, meal tickets."

15. What is your vision for Christmas Inc.?

"We plan to take Christmas to a new level. We will create shareholder value by expanding the Christmas 'spirit' four-fold. We'll have quarterly Christmases so that all of our quarterly financial reports will reflect a Christmas sales season. When people think shopping, they'll think Christmas Inc. One Christmas per year - the ol' coot's idea - just doesn't cut it anymore."

16. Four Christmases a year? You must be joking.

"I couldn't be more serious. The Christmas market has yet to be fully exploited. And we at North Pole Toys won't rest easy until Macy's is decorated for Christmas 365 days a year.”

17. Do you lose sleep over competitors like Toys 'R' Us?

"Never heard of them. What do they do?" 18. How can you stop Santa from fulfilling his duties on Christmas Eve on a freelance basis?

"You don't get it, do you? Santa is old news, kaput, grounded. We've confiscated his Christmas list and Santa-proofed all chimney tops. Face it - Christmas is big business. Christmas is a corporation."

19. When asked about his business philosophy, Santa said it was to work one chimney at a time and that he believed it was better to give than to receive. How does that differ from your philosophy?

"It isn't that much different, only I believe in creating shareholder value one million Internet hits at a time. You know what the song says? Jingle, jingle, all the way . . ."

20. What message do you wish to convey to all the good little boys and girls of the world who have hung their stockings in giddy anticipation of the big day?

"Grow up. Soon, you will be the consumers of the world so don't delay. Mail in those credit-card applications so you can take advantage of all four Christmas seasons in the year. And get shopping."

(Gyle Konotopetz is waiting expectantly by his chimney at gyle@businessedge.ca)