Most investors think they’ve reached the investment major leagues just because they know how to calculate a price/earnings ratio, they know how to spell Bartiromo and they know how to sue.

We know this is not entirely true.

Before you’ve truly made it as an investor, you must master the fine art of denial – and then sue.

In other words, don’t ever admit you’re wrong, even if you did bet the farm on the VisuaLabs 3D scam.

The major-league investor is right even when wrong. You may be tapped out but, in your steel-trap mind, you are never, never wrong.

And you are never foolish enough to let your guard down and look in the mirror.

The true pro only looks for scapegoats.

And that’s the beauty of the stock market game.

There is always someone else to blame: The broker. The CEO. The analyst, Alan Greenspan. Eliot Spitzer. Kerry Fraser.

If you don’t have the investing alibis down pat, you’re nothing but a two-bit bush leaguer.

As a public markets service, we present 10 useful alibis for AMDS (Advanced Market Dissatisfaction Syndrome) that should be mandatory for water-cooler chats, Internet chatboards and family dinners:

OK, I lost my shirt but . . .

1. The CEO is on an extended sabbatical at San Quentin, but when he (she) gets out, the stock will fly to the moon.

2. My computer crashed. So how the heck was I supposed to know Air Canada was in bankruptcy protection when I bought the stock?

3. I followed the crowd and the crowd screwed me. Everybody else was buying that stock, so why shouldn’t I?

4. My broker told me VisuaLabs was money in the bank. He didn’t tell me it was money in his bank.

5. Sure, I knew they had to restate earnings going back to 1973 but Ol’ Buy & Hold himself, Warren Buffett, told me to hold the stock forever.

6. The guest with the tall forehead on ROB-TV’s Market Call program told me to buy Nortel.

7. Synsorb Biotech (now defunct) was officially recommended to me by three reliable sources: By somebody named Smarty Pants on an Internet chatboard, a cab driver and a bartender.

8. I bought Atlas Cold Storage Fund on trust. And if you can’t trust an income trust, who can you trust?

9. I was on the quarterly conference call and the CEO sounded excited. How was I supposed to know he had a weak bladder?

10. Enron had the coolest website.

If you’ve worked at least five of these alibis into your money chats, you’ve passed the acid test.

You’ve arrived in the big time. You truly are a major- league investor.

If you scored a perfect 10, take a bow.

You’re the ultimate investor. Yeah, and Air Canada stock is going to the moon.

* SURVEY SAYS: Energy, gold, health care and financials are being touted as the best investments, according to the 2004 Morningstar Canada Fund Manager Survey.

The recent survey of 24 of Canada’s largest fund companies show portfolio managers expect the energy and health-care sectors to be the leaders over the next 12 months, and energy and financials to outperform other sectors over the next five years.

The price of oil is expected to peak this year while gold is expected to rise over the next five years. The respondents also believe the U.S. dollar will be strong over the next five years relative to the Canadian dollar.

Funds focused on India and China, in that order, are expected to be the best performers over the next five years, according to the survey of firms that manage total assets of $200 billion.

A word of caution: Many fund managers, particularly those with larger firms, are historically known to be followers with herd instincts rather than leaders, so some of these calls may be late.

The best part of the survey for investors may be that fund managers agree that the issue of management-expense ratios will continue to be under scrutiny, leading reductions in those fees.

* SAGE WORDS: “Life is one grand sweet song, so start the music.”

– Recently departed former U.S. president Ronald Reagan.



HOT STOCK: GUYANA GOLDFIELDS
GUY-TSX $1.65
Up 60 cents (+57.1%) on 12.1 million shares (for week ending June 11).
While interest in speculative gold stocks has waned considerably in recent weeks, Guyana’s stock has been bucking the market as it chugs along on some dandy exploration results from its Aurora property in Guyana. The Toronto company boasts 100-per-cent ownership of a 16,000-acre property that hasn’t been mined since the 1940s.



COLD STOCK: AETERNA ZENTARIS
AEZ-TSX $8.12
Down $2.50 (-23.5%) on 1.6 million shares (for week ending June 11).
There is much handwringing among baffled AEterna shareholders as this stock has been getting pasted on a daily basis since the Quebec City outfit released “encouraging” Phase I trial results for its cancer therapeutic. Sorry gang, the cold, hard numbers do not lie. There’s no truth to the rumour that the TSX is using the same computer as Royal Bank.