As an April Fool’s Day service to shareholders of public companies who are fed up with being April Fools (as well as May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January, February and March Fools), we ventured into the cosy corner offices to find out what some of the nice folks running these companies are doing to appease the beleaguered stockholder.

As we strolled into the Calgary office of Greg Noval, the CEO of Canadian Superior Energy was in the process of gathering dates of birth of all his shareholders, their spouses, children, grandchildren and attorneys so he could send them all birthday cards.

First, we asked Mr. Noval why he didn’t accommodate shareholders and analysts with a question period on a recent conference call about the Mariner well abandonment that played havoc with the stock.

“I’m glad you asked,” he said while scribbling a note to his assistant to order 14.7 million April 1 birthday cards at his own personal expense for his beloved shareholders. “Our conference call rate accelerates after the first hour and I felt it was in the best interests of our shareholders to keep our expenses under control. We felt that a question period would have dragged on into the wee hours and we thought it only right to accommodate all of our cherished shareholders. Besides, I was late for one of our shareholder’s birthday party.” Then, we asked Mr. Noval why he had sold $4.3 million worth of stock in January while the Mariner well was being drilled.

“I’m glad you asked,” he said while signing greeting cards for U.S. attorneys who have launched class-action suits against Canadian Superior executives.

“After I purchased the Matangi Island in Fiji out of my own pocket, I was a little short of pocket change. And of course it’s not cheap these days sending 8.4 million shareholders on vacations to Matangi on my tab. Geez, you know how much they charge for those umbrella drinks?”

As we entered the plush Winnipeg office of Bill Fraser, the charming CEO of Manitoba Telecom was disco dancing – on a wireless phone.

“Damn phone quit on me!” he shrieked, hurling it at a wall. “The technology sucks. Remember the good old days when phones had wires? Oh, where did you say you were from? Business Edge, eh? (Nervous laughter) I’ll be honest with you. This is actually the first time I’ve ever had trouble with one of our phones. It happens.” Once the phone was out of its misery, I asked Mr. Fraser about his company’s $1.7- billion acquisition of Allstream Inc. and what he planned on doing to stave off the lynch mob of shareholders at Portage and Main.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!?” he said, shell-shocked as he surveyed the mob scene out his picture window. “Well, why didn’t someone say something? Aw, now I get it. THAT’S WHY THE STOCK HAS BEEN TANKING!

“OK, we’re cancelling the deal. (Fumbling for pocket change) Oh, I think I’ll be able to cover that $50-million breakup fee. We love our shareholders. We wouldn’t want to do anything that would hurt their feelings now, would we? What do the shareholders want, anyway?” They want you to become an income trust, I tell him.

“OK, then we’ll be an income trust. (Calling out to assistant) Dear, call the TSX and tell ’em to tag our ticker symbol with Dot-UN! Oh, and please find out if that telephone repairman is going to be here this week or next week?” As we enter the office of Frank Dunn, CEO of Nortel Networks, he is chatting on a cellphone even smaller than the bank accounts of those bonehead $100-per-share shareholders. “Yeah John, I love those new $100 bills too . . . uh, hang on, can I put you on hold for a minute? The Business Edge is here to ask me about the $140 million US in bonuses to management (giggling). I won’t tell ’em it was your idea. You mention John Roth (former CEO) around here and all hell breaks loose.” I ask Mr. Dunn, whose idea was it? “Well, it was a former CEO of the company but I’m not at liberty to name names.” I ask him what he plans to do to pacify disgruntled stockholders.

“We’re giving the money back to shareholders as a Christmas present and the management of this company has had their salaries rolled back to $1 a year for the next 10 years. Instead, we’re putting every one of our shareholders on salary. Why not? They run the show.”

SAGE WORDS: April Fool’s!



HOT STOCK: GARNEAU INC.
GAR-TSX $1.15
Up 25 cents (+27.8%) on 511,120 shares (for week ending March 26).
How do you awaken a sleepy little oil-service stock from its slumber? Show ’em the money. And that's exactly what Garneau did, releasing fourth-quarter earnings of $1.5 million (14 cents a share) through Dec. 31 compared to a loss of $1.2 million (11 cents a share) in the period a year ago.



COLD STOCK: MOSAID INC.
MSD-TSX $9.50
Down $3.80 (-28.6%) on 280,717 shares (for week ending March 26).
My, aren’t we shareholders sensitive? A mixed preliminary ruling from a U.S. judge on Mosaid’s patent lawsuit against Samsung and Infineon didn’t sit well with investors as they slammed stock in the Ottawa semiconductor maker. Of course, this case is far from over as analysts expect it to go to trial.