The financial world could use more “Grapes”– so if the CBC ever gets around to canning dapper Don Cherry for suggesting that hockey visors are for “Europeans and Frenchmen,” I’ll be his agent.

Can you think of a better candidate to give dreary business TV a makeover and ratings boost?

If you think CNBC’s James Cramer is outrageous, just watch Cherry in action, taking on the pinstriped scoundrels and crooks on Report On Business TV.

ROB-TV sure could use less stickhandling and more straight talk.

Eugene Melnyk, don’t forget your visor.

Jim O’Connell, host of Market Call, could play the straight guy in a weekly 15-minute segment Coach’s Corner where Cherry, perched on a barstool sporting his checked sportscoat and elongated shirt collar, gets to rant about financial issues.

Live – without that silly seven- second delay that CBC has imposed on him.

Here’s a sampling of what one might expect to pop out of Cherry’s mouth on Coach’s Corner – the Stocky Night In Canada version:

* Cherry on Biovail CEO Eugene Melynk and his run-ins with analysts who question the company’s accounting: “OK if I brag a little? I didn’t own a single share of this stock when it tanked. Hey, kids, you gotta do the disclosure thing, right? (thumbs up). If this guy Melnyk don’t like what the analysts is sayin’, then he better come clean and show us them books, eh. Stop the whinin’ already, Eugene. You know, you’re starting to sound like your Ottawa Senators whinin’ at the ref. Maybe they oughta have a guy runnin’ that show who can take the heat. You know, someone like Bobby Orr. You know Bobby was always hurtin’ when he played for me in Boston, but you never heard a peep from Bobby . . .”

* Cherry on illegal insider traders: “I love this country but, boy, I don’t see our securial regulatories doin’ much about this. ’Course with 13 securities regulators in one country, whaddya expect? When I coached the Bruins, we had a way of dealin’ with guys who tried to take the short cut. You just gotta wait for the right moment and bingo! You run ’em outta da rink. I’ll tell ya, these rats better be wearin’ visors. (grinning) I guess it’s a pretty good bet they will be, don’tcha think?”

* Cherry on research analysts: “I been readin’ some of these here research reports and somethin’ don’t smell right. I got a friend in Kingston, ya know, and he bought this stock because one of these pinkos with pom-poms said it was a strong buy. Well, then it was just a buy and I says to him, ‘Ya gotta sell cuz it’s only a buy and this analyst, he ain’t sayin’ sell unless some tough guy like McSorley pays him a visit.’ These reports are a waste of time. You might as well be watching Finland play Sweden. AND YOU KNOW WHAT DAT’S LIKE!”

* Cherry on the trial over Martha Stewart’s stock trading: “I know I’m going to get into trouble here, eh? But I gotta say somethin’ here. It’s been buggin’ me all week. You know, that woman who writes a column in the Post was sayin’ stuff like Martha’s a victim. I figure maybe she’s been bakin’ too many of Martha’s cookies or somethin’, eh? But let’s be honest here, Martha’s no saint. How would you feel if you were the one who bought Martha’s shares before the stock tanked? Victim? Geez, gimme a break! GIMME A BREAK!!”

* Grapes on the corporate scandals surrounding media mogul Lord Black: “I coached guys like this in Colorado so, listen up, Connie. Never mind the mutiny. Just remember the corporate governance rules: You’re bigger than the team, your lawyers are bigger than their lawyers and shareholders oughta shut up and pay your bonuses. Hey, if one of those goons drops his gloves, do a Tomas Sandstrom. You just turtle.”

* Grapes on the board of the New York Stock Exchange that paid former CEO Dick Grasso a $140-million bonus: “Boy, this one really gets my goat. You know, that’s even more dough than that floater Jagr gets and this Grasso ain’t got no goals. I guess he does a sweet job o’ ringin’ that there bell on Wall Street, but let’s be honest here.

“Only a bunch ’o dumb bells is goin’ to pay a guy that much to ring a stupid bell. I guess we got to wait now till Eliot Spitzer drops his gloves. I like this Spitzer guy. I’d go to war with him. I think he’s from Kingston. Atta boy, Eliot!” (thumbs up) n Grapes on Washington Capitals’ owner/AOL vice-chairman Ted Leonsis’s alleged attack on a Capitals’ fan carrying a sign – ‘Caps’ Hockey, AOL stock – See A Pattern?’: “Gee, I wonder how this guy feels next year when there’s nobody in the rink to strangle?”

SAGE WORDS: “I can’t be saying these things. How can I be saying these things? Like telling a guy to break Ulf Samuelsson’s arm.”

– Don Cherry, Sports Illustrated, 1994.




HOT STOCK: CABO MINING ENTERPRISES
CBE-TSXV $1.12
Up 59 cents (+107.3%) on 1.4 million shares (for week ending Feb. 13).
The junior miners on a rejuvenated Venture Exchange continue to steal the show with massive spikes. Vancouver-based exploration play Cabo rocketed on news of a $5-million non-brokered private placement at 75 cents per share with options to purchase additional shares at $1.25.



COLD STOCK: KCP INCOME FUND
KCP.UN-TSX $9.90
Down $1.80 (-15.4%) on 601,800 shares (for week ending Feb. 13).
If you thought income trusts were bullet-proof, check out KCP. Unitholders took the Concord, Ont., company to the cleaners on news it was cutting its distribution from 9.166 cents to 7.5 cents. KCP blamed dismal quarterly results on high costs of raw materials, competition and the weak U.S. dollar.