Remember when an infant known as the Internet came into the world kicking and screaming a decade or so ago and people said this baby was going to simplify our lives?

So why, at this moment, am I staring bug-eyed and half-crazed into a web page that makes me want to flee to Fiji?

No, it’s not the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. It’s something from outer space called GlobeinvestorGOLD (www.globeinvestorgold.com)

I’ve been taken prisoner by the alluring Gold Tracker, one of many features of the globeinvestorGOLD investment site that seems to be designed to drive you bonkers.

At this moment, I’m trying to focus on my stock portfolio while being rudely interrupted by a blabbermouth on Report On Business TV in one corner of the Gold Tracker screen. At the same time, I’m being e-assaulted by the streaming Dow Jones newswire in another corner, an annoying E*Trade ad, a streaming market indices ticker and, to cheer me up, I’m getting bombarded by e-mail alerts that remind me that all my stocks are down 10 per cent or have reached 12-month lows.

And Gold Tracker is only one of many tools in the Globe’s multi-faceted toolbox for investors bent on information overload. Presumably, this service is tailored for those who have a 48-hour day and make a living averaging down on Nortel Networks.

And that’s not the worst of it.

In the age of a zillion freebie financial sites,Globeinvestor-GOLD actually charges a subscription free for the honour of having your brain explode on your laptop. After the free 30-day trial, it’s $9.95 per month or $29.95 per month for the live-quotes package (not including exchange fees).

The site also features exclusive columns, some of which read like mutual fund commercials (penned by fund managers), nifty portfolio management, investor education and numerous research tools.

In other words, it offers everything but a shrink for Enron shareholders.

A most useful tool is the e-mail alert feature where investors can be alerted of their own stock targets as well as 10-per-cent swings in stock prices and company news.

If you track, say, 200 stocks, you could receive 100 or so e-mails on a volatile trading day, which should keep you well enough distracted at your day job to get you fired so that you can average down on Nortel for a living.

GlobeinvestorGOLD bills itself as Canada’s investment site with the most breadth and depth. On that count, they’ll get no argument here.

However, unless you’re a hard-core trader, you might find a free financial site to be sufficient. One that comes to mind is GlobeinvestorGOLD’s poor sister – (www.globeinvestor.com) – which provides many of the same services and without the bells and whistles.

GlobeinvestorGOLD is an ambitious product of Bell Canada Enterprises’ (BCE-TSE) $70-million convergence fund.

It is three media vehicles – a newspaper (Globe and Mail), a television network (ROB-TV) and a mega media site – participating in a demolition derby of financial data overkill.

It’s a serious site for serious investors, but, for my money, it comes across as a classic case of too many chefs spoiling the broth.

On the other hand, it’s a fine excuse for a vacation.

Fiji, anyone?

* STREET TALK:CIBC World Markets chief strategist Subodh Kumar has been telling clients that the TSE 300 Index will reach 9500 (recently 7958) by the end of 2002.

Before you pawn the family jewels, it ought to be noted that Kumar bullishly predicted last April that the TSE would reach 9500 by April 2002.

In a recent report to clients, Kumar wrote: “In a nutshell, look at earnings momentum as a theme in the market. We think that momentum will be lasting well into the end of this year and, as happens in a traditional early-cycle environment, earnings above expectations will drive the stock market.”

* QUOTABLE: “What’s next? Pope reminds priests to believe in God?”

– Duncan Stewart, partner at Toronto-based Tera Capital Corp., to the Globe and Mail in response to Merrill Lynchtelling its analysts to focus on fundamentals such as cash flow and return on capital.

* SAGE ADVICE: In a U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission round-table on the Enron accounting fiasco, Warren Buffett advised investors to put pressure on corporate executives to produce better reporting of financials and suggested CEOs consider themselves CDOs (chief disclosure officers).

“You have to be a little adversarial,” said the legendary investor. “(Auditors) are not going to volunteer the shady stuff.”



HOT ALBERTA STOCK: Gauntlet Energy

GAU-TSE $7.50

Up $1.54 (+25.8%) on 1,909,100 shares (for week ending March 8).

Gauntlet was the pace-setter on heavy volume as upstart oil and gas juniors were off to the races after a prolonged slump. The Calgary-based gas-weighted company lit a fire under its stock by announcing that its winter drilling program has doubled the value of the company. The share price has nearly doubled since Jan. 1 and is flirting with its 12-month high of $7.75.



COLD ALBERTA STOCK: Solid Resources

SRW-CDNX $1.00

Down 30 cents (-23.1%) on 4,900 shares (for week ending March 8).

Solid announced it has a 24-per-cent interest in a Spanish tin mine and holds an option to own up to 50 per cent of the tantalum lithium project, not 60 per cent as the Sherwood Park-based company reported last April. The stock hit its 12-month low and is down 77 per cent from its 12-month high of $4.25.