That Saddam Hussein statue was not the only thing bent over and headless in the past week.

The bulls on Wall Street struck a similar pose.

While barefoot Iraqis jubilantly danced on the head of the statue on the streets of Baghdad, a sign of imminent victory for the coalition forces, shoeless investors on Wall Street simultaneously gave Dow Jones a beating, leaving the bulls speechless and red-faced.

At the closing bell on that historic April 9, the Dow index was down 101 points when most bulls had predicted it would skyrocket once victory was assured in the war.

At the same time, oil and gold bulls were the ones wearing the rally caps.

This was a telling blow to the prospects for the stock market, knocking the wind out of the bullish windbags who had used the war as the scapegoat for a sick market.

Worse, from the perspective of the bulls, was the fact that investors were now turning their attention to those quaint little numbers that seemed to have fallen off their radar screens while they were mesmerized by Iraq.

You know, those numbers with dollar signs – revenue, earnings, cash flow, etc.

The market’s disappointing response to the turning point in the war also drew some ominous forecasts. Peter Eliades, editor of the Stockmarket Cycles newsletter, which boasts positive returns during this bear market, was one of the most pessimistic of forecasters.

Eliades wrote he “would be amazed if we didn’t see the Dow Jones (recently at 8,198) drop to the 5,500 or 6,500 range some time this year.” Of course, in that event, the bulls would find a new scapegoat to blame it on.

No problem. They’ve already got one – SARS.

* STREET TALK: “A chicken with its head cut off can still run like crazy.”

That was Canaccord Capital’s apt one-liner on the wild and woolly action on Air Canada (AC-TSX) stock.

In the seven trading days after the beleaguered carrier sought bankruptcy protection, day traders, like pigs in slop, played the stock like a rented mule as it gyrated between 64 cents and $1.69.

“With about 78 million shares outstanding and fully diluted toward 100 million shares, why does the market attribute a $100-million market cap to a bankrupt company with $12 billion in debt lined up in front of it?”

Canaccord wrote in a note to clients. “If the debt is converted into equity, don’t be fooled into thinking that current equity holders will have any value to share.”

According to the Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Air Canada is a blue-chip stock and the shares are worth at least $100.

* RETURN TO SENDER: Just received a beautiful postcard from Fairmont Hotels & Resorts (FHR-TSX), trumpeting eye-popping rates of $79 at the Fairmont Hotel MacDonald in Edmonton and $59 at the Fairmont Palliser in Calgary.

But the eye stopped popping after it ogled the fine print through a magnifying glass.

The fine print states: rates are per person based on double occupancy.

In other words, rates per room, under the magnifying glass, are actually at least double those rates in large print.

Fairmont, the luxury hotel chain, may boast major-league accommodations, but their postcard ad is strictly bush league.

Return to sender? You bet.

* DOGS OF THE PATCH: You’ve heard a lot about the implosion of Gauntlet Energy (GAU-TSX) lately.

Well, here’s another classic penthouse-to-outhouse oilpatch story.

NQL Drilling Tools (NQL.A-TSX) knocked shareholders for a loop with a press release that could make Tony Robbins cry.

Nisku-based NQL said it was: (a) in violation of its debt covenants; (b) working on restructuring its debt; (c) giving a profit warning; and, (d) planning to restate results for 2001 and 2002.

And that was all in one press release.

The stock crashed from $4.95 to $1.27 on the news, then doubled to the $2.50 range by week’s end after news the company’s credit facility was extended.

* SAGE WORDS: “If you risk nothing, then you risk everything.”

– Actress Geena Davis



HOT ALBERTA STOCK: INTERMAP TECHNOLOGIES
IMP.A-TSXV $3.01
Up 66 cents (+28.1%) on 38,200 shares (for week ending April 11).
The Calgary-based digital elevation mapping company doesn’t trade a lot of shares, but tends to swing like mad on low volume. At week’s end, there was a stalemate in trading with the bid at $3 and the ask at $3.50. Intermap recently announced $5 million in new contracts.



COLD ALBERTA STOCK: ALTERNATIVE FUEL SYSTEMS
ATF-TSX 6.5 Cents
Down 4 cents (-38.1%) on 3,782,950 shares (for week ending April 11).
Here’s how you cash in on a company that files for creditor protection in a desperate bid for survival as Calgary-based Alternative Fuel did. You buy the stock at 21/2 cents when it resumes trading after the horrific news breaks, eat a roll of Tums for dinner, and then sell it a day later at 61/2 cents for a 160% return. Nothin’ to it, eh?