Wanna lose your shirt on the stock market?

That’s easy.

Buy sexy stocks like Xplore Technologies, BCE Emergis, Turbo Genset, Labopharm and Exfo Electro-Optical Engineering.

What do these companies have in common, aside from the fact that they hired confusethehelloutofshareholders.com to think up their names?

Nobody’s quite sure what they do – aside from the obvious, losing money (a combined $476 million loss last year) and providing juicy tax writeoffs for shareholders. Ask the CEO what his company does and he’ll plead the Fifth Amendment.

Can we mention one more thing? They are also among five of the six biggest losers of stocks over $1 on the Toronto Stock Exchange in the first quarter of 2002 (the other is B Split Corp, which invests in the common shares of twin tank jobs, BCE and Nortel Networks).

But do you know what else? When BCE Emergis (IFM), a subsidiary of BCE Inc., makes your head spin by saying they provide “scalable solutions that electronically transfer business processes and enable companies to succeed in the web-centric, cost-driven and highly competitive global internet economy,” investors aren’t taking it anymore.

This might be a good thing – a sign that investors, bloodied by Enron, battered by Global Crossing, beaten by Nortel and bounced by Arthur Andersen, are finally smartening up.

Considering it was only two years ago when investors bet on anything that made their heads spin, this is progress. Can’t you just see Warren Buffett merrily raising a glass of Cherry Coke to investors for finally paying attention to his number-one rule? If you don’t understand it, don’t buy it.

BCE Emergis (IFM) is down 73 per cent since the beginning of the year, Xplore (XPL), which makes “ruggedized mobile pen-based computer systems,” is down 73 per cent; Turbo Genset (TGN), which “uses a high-speed permanent magnet coupled to a small gas turbine to form an electrical generating set,” is down 49 per cent; Labopharm (DDS), which “develops formulations for the controlled release of well-known and experimental oral drugs,” is down 48 per cent and Exfo Electro-Optical Engineering (EXF), which makes “fibre-optic test, measurement and automation instruments,” is down 47 per cent.

While dumping exotic stocks, investors are exhibiting a voracious appetite for the old standby – gold, which has been standing by for more than 20 years.

Gold seems to play right into the hands of snake-bitten market players. A gold producer (exploration companies are another story as Bre-X taught us so well) is especially appealing because of its simplicity in terms of its business and accounting. A producer digs for gold and sells it. End of story.

Gold stocks have outperformed all other sectors year-to-date and the sector boasts five of the Top 10 gainers on the TSE since Jan. 1 with Newmont Mining (NMC.WT) up 298 per cent, Corona Gold (CRG) up 289 per cent, Golden Star Resources (GSC) up 205 per cent, Dayton Mining (DAY) up 193 per cent and High River Gold (HRG) up 167 per cent.

Gold ended the quarter by busting through $300 US (per ounce) and showing signs of a sustained rally, much to the delight of long-suffering gold bugs.

STREET TALK: Investment author and technology strategist Peter Cohan cautions that the tech sector is still trading at a price/earnings ratio of more than 40 times projected 12-month earnings.

“What it boils down to is that there are an awful lot of people holding on to underwater tech stocks and hoping they will come back,” says Cohan. “People are still having a hard time letting go. They’re basically deluding themselves into thinking that nothing has changed. “Belief in the power of technology to grow no matter what happens to the economy became a massive cultural phenomenon (in the 1990s). People still have to let go of that.”

* TSE THRILLER: Since Michael Jackson lit a fire under Montreal-based film-maker MDP Worldwide Entertainment (MDP.A-TSE) by endorsing and investing in the company, the stock has rocketed 1,500 per cent.

But if you think celebrities can breathe life into any old dog, think again. Since Burt Reynolds became official spokesman and a director of Videoflicks.com (YVF.U-CDNX), the stock has flickered from 25 cents to two cents!

* SAGE ADVICE: “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”

– Milton Berle.

HOT ALBERTA STOCK: Olympia Energy



OLY-TSE $3.80

Up $1.20 (+46.1%) on 5,394,700 (for week ending March 28). Investors are betting that Olympia has hit the jackpot with an Alberta well that will produce a huge pool of natural gas. The Calgary-based exploration company ignited its stock by announcing the well has reached total depth and has been logged. Olympia has a 27-per-cent interest in the project, in which it is partnered with Meota Resources, Nation Energy, High Point Energy and Birchill Energy.

COLD ALBERTA STOCK: Solid Resources

SRW-CDNX $1.00

Down 25 cents (-25%) on 6,900 shares (for week ending March 28).

Investors were banking on some exploration news from the Nisku-based tin miner and Solid did say it is exploring – that is, exploring alternatives for restructuring and refinancing the company to meet financial demands from creditors. The stock is down 77 per cent from its 12-month high of $4.25.