Fran Hewitt makes a keen observation in her new book, the Power of Focus for Women.

At age two, we learn to say the word ‘no’, Hewitt says. In fact, saying no seems to be a Terrible Two’s role in life.

But as we mature, the N-word disappears from our everyday vocabulary. In the workplace, many of us have trouble saying no to requests from bosses and co-workers, requests that overload people and push some to exhaustion and exasperation.

At home, too, parents can’t say no to their children and spouses, to their aging parents or to the requests they receive to volunteer in the community.

Mike Dempster photo, Business Edge
Author Fran Hewitt says workplace relationships are often unhealthy because people cannot set boundaries

While both men and women are victims, Hewitt says women are especially vulnerable.

“I think in general, women have a harder time saying no, to setting boundaries, because we are natural caregivers and we want to nurture,” she says.

“So instead of taking care of ourselves, a lot of the time we sell out (give in to others).”

The problem is particularly acute with women age 40 and over. Hewitt suggests that the younger generation of female employees communicates better and is more assertive.

“It’s a generality, but we (in my generation) were brought up to be nice and not to speak up,” Hewitt says. “And we often feel a lack of confidence.”

Boundaries can be a fuzzy topic and difficult to define. But it has surfaced as a major issue for women in the three-day weekend workshops that Hewitt facilitates.

These women feel bombarded, over-committed and resentful, feelings that are unhealthy at work and home, she says.

In the workplace and at home, a key to setting boundaries is simply learning to say no. Setting boundaries can also mean speaking up, closing our office door so we aren’t disturbed or blocking time out in our day to ensure that we get work done.

It can also mean defining responsibilities with co- workers and bosses to clearly establish what’s expected, rather than being the dumping ground for other people’s work.

“I believe in today’s society, boundaries are absolutely essential for us to reclaim our lives, to get our time back, to get our own feelings of balance and harmony back,” Hewitt says.

“It is essential in the work environment. But a lot of women in the workplace don’t feel they have permission to speak up, to say they feel overloaded with work.”

In her book, co-authored with husband Les Hewitt, a professional coach and author, readers are presented with many sensible tips to help reclaim some balance. Released last fall, the book sold 35,000 copies in its first six weeks and Hewitt has been contacted by producers of Oprah Winfrey’s show about the possibility of Hewitt appearing on the TV program.

Based in Calgary, Hewitt says her work is a lifelong passion. Raised during “The Troubles” in Belfast, she grew up with an angry father and “very cruel” teachers, and survived breast cancer at an early age. “I’ve had some experiences,” she says, acknowledging she, too, has had trouble setting boundaries for herself.

In fact, it was only five years ago when she started to say no.

A devoted mother, wife and community volunteer, Hewitt laughs when she recalls telling a volunteer group that she couldn’t help them out.

“When I was asked and said no, I was horrified,” she recalls. “For women, we get triggered into guilt right away. ‘How could I say no to that?’”

She says it’s important to understand that the reason many people can’t say no is that they want to be liked and respected. “But women have to understand it’s really more important to be respected than liked.”

She adds that relationships are much healthier when people speak up, and her marriage with Les has strengthened because she’s learned to set boundaries.

In the workplace, where we often spend eight to 10 hours a day with co-workers, relationships are often unhealthy because people can’t set boundaries.

“If we let people pile work on us, the moment we do it we resent ourselves for not saying no,” she says. “And we become resentful of others, even though it’s up to us to say no in the first place.”

So how does an employee set boundaries with a boss?

Hewitt says it’s important for the employee to know exactly what she wants, and explain the benefit clearly to the employer. It has to be a win-win situation.

In most cases if an employee can show that her contribution to the company will increase by setting some boundaries around work, asks Hewitt, why wouldn’t the boss go along?

She believes that employers have a proactive role to play. A smart employer would talk to each employee and be caring enough to ask what boundaries could be established to make their jobs better.

“I know there are some bosses out there who don’t care,” Hewitt says. “For some it’s all about the bottom line. But if they are able to see ways to make the business more productive, they need to be able to set boundaries too.”

Ultimately, it’s up to individuals to stand up for themselves, to demonstrate self-respect, Hewitt says. When that happens, people do feel better about themselves.

It’s like those Terrible Twos. Just look how pleased they look when they say, ‘No!’

TIPS TO HELP YOU SAY 'NO'

* If you are a knee-jerk ‘yes’ person, learn to use phrases like, “Let me check my calendar first,” or, “I’ll get back to you in a couple of days.” These responses give you more time to think through the request, so you can make the best decision for you.

* When telemarketers, or groups call seeking your time, say, “We have a policy not to support telephone solicitation,” or, “We have a policy not to volunteer in the evenings.” Saying you have a policy suggests that you have given these matters serious thought and people are likely to respect your wishes.

* This is not about you; I need to say no for me. When you say this sincerely, and use great eye contact, just about everyone will understand and support your decision to say no.

* Check your important values. If having supper together as a family is a high priority, say no to all interruptions (phone calls, TV, reading material, etc.) Put your foot down.

* Keep it simple. Don’t make long-winded excuses about your decision to say no. That can make you vulnerable.

* Build up gradually. Don’t start off by trying to say no to strong individuals. Learn to say ‘no’ to a telemarketer, or a clerk who wants all of your contact information. Develop the habit of saying no once a day.

– Source: The Power of Focus for Women

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