By Rob Driscoll

Once again, chaos and panic grip the global financial scene.

The U.S. and France have joined the rapidly growing number of countries exposed as economic idiots, having managed debt with all the logic and prudence of a heroin junkie.

Stock markets dive like a springboard diving team on speed. Consumers lie vegetated at home waiting for this bad acid trip to wear off.

The result of the global debt overdose could be a huge hangover for the Canadian economy.

But while pundits persist in painting their picture of cataclysmic combustion, I have been spending minutes after minutes this morning researching in an attempt to devise a magic pill that will help us avoid a devastating blow to our economy.

I am proud to say that it is officially time to stop the press! (Note to our press supervisor: Don’t forget to start again as we do not want to be scooped on our own story.) I have indeed experienced a EUREKA!! moment and am pleased to announce my Master Plan For Canada’s Financial Success.

I will take you quickly through the thought process that enabled me to arrive at what will surely be an award-winning innovation.

This morning started as just another Friday; drag myself out of bed, hit the shower and head for my favourite coffee shop in Calgary’s Mission district.

As I sipped on my preferred and oh-so-manly caffeinated beverage (non-fat chai latté), catching up on the business news of the day and deleting email spam (mostly related to Viagra and manhood-enlargement) on my laptop, I pondered the remarkable impact drugs have had on our society.

Feeling too down? Take Prozac. Feeling too up? Take Valium. Feeling too normal? Take any number of recreational drugs. (Note to sensitive readers: I am not advising you to take drugs; I am just trying to prove a point.)

But to the best of my knowledge, there is no drug that helps us improve performance in business in a significant manner.

Suddenly, my focus was interrupted by a lovely pair of high heels walking past.

I slowly looked up and observed that it only improved as my glance rose to this radiant rose. Short summer dress on a frame that had everyone’s head turning. Well, at least 90% of the guys . . . and about 10% of the women.

I am in a monogynous relationship, so, of course, I was only viewing as I would any other great work of art – with a keen eye and great respect for the collection.

But all those other guys were clearly thinking of one thing. Hint: it starts with an “S” and unless done with an adequate measure of skill, usually ends with an “EX”.

It struck me that one woman had just halted the work flow of about 15 people. Some of us had been plugging away on our laptops, others were in the midst of a meeting, but we were united in our distraction.

It was at least five minutes – until she left the building – before any of us truly resumed work. Add that up and you have 75 minutes of down time . . . from just one woman in one coffee shop.

Extrapolating that to the thousands of coffee shops across the country, and factoring in that typically there would be many attractive women walking into each coffee shop each day, and you have countless millions of hours of lost productivity. I concluded – and I may not be the first to make this assertion – that Canadian men are spending WAY too much time thinking about sex.

If you take all that time spent dreaming of the two-backed monster and replace it with focused work, we could have a recession-proof economy.

It’s clearly not about working “harder”, and it’s not about working smarter; it’s just about working more. If we can get sex off of our minds, we will have more meeting time, more proposals delivered and more closing time. Our economy will flourish.

I know you are thinking that stopping men from thinking about sex during the work day (you can still have your fun outside of work hours), is an insurmountable task, and that was true until today.

Everyone knows the power of the blue pill, but while it helps men rise to the occasion in one respect, it only exacerbates the distraction down-time dilemma.

What we need in the Canadian workplace is just the opposite; a drug created specifically to limit the libidos of Canadian business people. There are already some anaphrodisiacs available, including alcohol, but the side effects outweigh the benefits.

My cracked team of scientists is working on a (im)potent, nutritious cocktail that will convert Canada’s male workforce into a formidable, fully focused faction that will only be flaccid beneath the belt.

The science should be the easy part, so I have spent most of my time working on the marketing plan.

I tried to think of a name that is not sexy but a symbol of power and clarity. The name should also deliver a strong message about the drug’s impact while avoiding offending people with explicit sexual content.

I thought of the incredible power and clean image of water, and then the perfect name hit me between the eyes –– Niagara.

The slogan:  ”Niagara – it falls while your business rises!”

Or perhaps “Niagara – get down to business!

Niagara will be green as in the colour of money and of the jealousy other countries will feel as Canada dominates the global economic scene.

I don’t yet have a release date for Niagara. Stay tuned to this blog for updates.

Office Distraction

Business Edge News Magazine

7. OFFICE SCHMOFFICE — For at least six weekdays during Stampede, there is a general understanding in the corporate community that business is best done in a giant tent with a beer in hand. As a fervent believer in the power of networking, I say YEE-HAW!

6. FREE MUSIC — Concerts held at the Coca-Cola stage often feature popular Canadian artists several times a day! And it’s free! All you have to pay for is entrance into the grounds, $8 beers, $5 corn dogs … but it’s totally worth it!

5. RODEO  BULL-EVARD — If you haven’t experienced a rodeo up close, I highly recommend it. You might think all that horsing around in the infield is a load of bull, but it is indeed a barrel of fun – and I would never steer you wrong.

4. ‘TIS THE SEASON — It’s like Christmas in July, minus the presents. Everyone gets in the spirit of Stampede and there’s just an overall happier vibe in the city.

3. HAT TRICK — Let’s face it, most people look sexier wearing cowboy hats. Some would have you believe it’s all about nostalgic fashion sense, but I know it’s all about covering up a lot of bad hair or lack thereof.

2. DONUT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE DANCING? — One word: mini-donuts.

1. FREE FOOD — As long as your digestive system can handle a steady diet of pancakes, syrup and burgers, you have no reason to buy food for the 10 days of Stampede. Thankfully, most meals include free juice and with tomatoes in the ketchup and cucumbers in relish, you are well on your way to the recommended 5-10 servings of fruit and vegetables per day, or so we would like to believe.

By Rob Driscoll

A lot of folks in the business world go to great lengths to avoid having their children along for a business trip, fearing it would be at best distracting and at worst chaos.

I was part of that crowd until nine years ago.

I had planned to take my eldest child Nicholas, then nine, camping in the Rockies for the weekend. However, on the Friday that we had planned to head for the hills, Garry Grein of Canmore-based Windtower Mountain Lodge called to say he was going ahead with an advertising feature in the next edition of Business Edge.

This was tremendous news as Business Edge was only about a year old and still struggling to gain a toehold in the market.

In those days, I wrote virtually all of the advertising copy, and we were going to press on Monday, so I needed to drive out to Canmore immediately to conduct the interview.

As I worked out the details of a Friday evening interview, it suddenly hit me that Nicholas would be devastated if I cancelled our trip to the mountains.

I told Garry that one angle for the ad feature was to have me bring my son to stay at the lodge and write a first-person piece on the experience. Garry thought it was a great idea and invited Nick and me to have dinner with him and his colleague Peter.

On the one-hour drive to Canmore, I counselled Nick on the importance of being polite and respectful while we ate dinner and while I did the interview.

He came through in spades as he was as polite as anyone could be while devouring two dozen hot chicken wings and participated in the conversation without interrupting. When Garry insisted on paying for the meal, Nick didn’t hold back in expressing his appreciation for the great food and sodas.

Garry was pleased with the Windtower feature that I emailed to him 48 hours later and even more happy about the response to the story.

Windtower became one of my best clients in the years to follow, and I think our initial meeting with Nick along for the ride was a big factor in creating a great client relationship.

A couple of months later, in similar circumstances, I brought seven-year-old Angela along as I conducted an interview with and wrote an advertising feature for Robyn Shipley of Marble Canyon Condos in Fairmont Hot Springs.

Angela behaved like an angel and clearly helped me win over a new client that would also go on to be a regular advertiser.

Then it was Theresa’s turn. At age six, she joined me for a trip to Edmonton for a meeting with a local business group. Theresa was polite and sweet, and the group immediately started a substantial advertising campaign.

Two years later, fourth-oldest Julianna got her first business trip under her belt as I met with an Edmonton restaurant owner. Despite somehow managing to slide through the back of her chair at one point, Julianna impressed the restaurateur, who ended up signing a large, long-term advertising deal.

The string of successful business meetings when I bring a child or two (I don’t press my luck by bringing seven to a meeting) has yet to stop, so I will continue to bring them along when I get the chance.

Of course, a sales person should always run the idea past the prospect first, but it seems to me that bringing a well-behaved child along on a business trip is actually better for business than not bringing one.

It’s also a great way, particularly in a large family, to give your child some much-needed alone time with a parent.

By Rob Driscoll

This week’s blog is directed at business owners and marketing professionals who may be looking for a cost-effective vehicle to help grow their businesses.

Top 7 Reasons to Advertise in Business Edge News Magazine:

7.  REACH — You like the idea of reaching decision makers at up to 280,000 businesses, including about 98% of business addresses in up to 50 key markets throughout Western and Central Canada.

6.  CHOICE — You can choose to advertise in any or all of our regional editions (BC, Alberta, Manitoba/Saskatchewan and Ontario).

5.  EDITORIAL EXCELLENCE — Our edgy, all-star team of journalists gives business readers every reason to pick up Business Edge and read it cover to cover.

4.  FLATTERY — Our sales reps are trained extensively in the art of complimenting, so as a Business Edge advertiser you will receive a steady diet of such lines as “Wow – you look particularly fantastic today!”, “You are indeed a rare combination of remarkable intelligence, razor-sharp wit and stunning beauty!” and “Haha, that was really funny!” and … wait for it … “You are BY FAR my favourite customer ever!”

3.  GENEROSITY —  For every full-page ad (or larger) that you run in Business Edge, you will be eligible for a hot beverage of your choice (offer excludes lattés and special coffees).

2.  CREATIVITY —  If you need help with your marketing message, we are here to help, and will not even charge you extra for our advice. For example, if you are a company that specializes in helping newlyweds get pregnant, I just thought of a great slogan: Just Do It! (Don’t even think about stealing that one from me as I am already on my way to the trademark office.)

1.  PROVEN RESULTS — We have a long list of testimonials from people extolling the value of advertising in The Edge . . . and only a few of them are from my mother!

Visiting Waterton Lakes National Park, a three-hour drive south of Calgary, for my brother-in-law Sean’s annual May long weekend golf event, we experienced surprisingly calm, sunny weather and a spectacular array of wildlife.

In Saturday morning’s second round of the weekend at the Waterton Golf Course, we watched several Rocky Mountain bighorn sheep and many deer scampering down the fairways in the same direction.

We figured they were likely running away from a bear, and soon our suspicion was validated. On the 13th hole, we observed a beautiful black bear hanging out about 50 yards behind the green.

As we approached the green, one of our group suggested we just pick up our balls and head to the next tee. Great idea, I thought, particularly since my tee shot on the Par 3 had fallen short of the green and a par was unlikely.

However, Sean had a great tee shot and apparently would rather risk his life than pass up a makable birdie putt. He started walking toward the pin, which was in line with the bear, who reacted by getting up on its hind legs.

Having quickly determined that it was improbable that my sister would ever find a better replacement, I decided to pull a club out of my bag and follow Sean. I know it’s important to look big when confronted by a bear, and thankfully I had bacon, eggs, a bagel and three beer in my belly. Whether it was my imposing stomach, the bear’s respect for Sean’s lovely tee shot or the fact there were several golfers around, the bear decided to turn and retreat.

The following day, we found the remains of a deer beside the same green. Thankfully he had chosen Bambi over Beer-Belly.

By Rob Driscoll

In this week’s blog, I reveal my trademarked, patented and copyrighted (not really) Six Highly Intelligent Tools For Ultimate Closing Knack (for obvious reasons, I do not promote the acronym):

1.  Don’t let opportunities pass by. Whether you are single and a highly attractive person of the opposite sex is walking by, or you are at an event with one or more potential clients in the room, why on Earth (or any other planet) would you not at least make the effort to make contact. I have a lovely partner in life, amazing staff and a long list of great clients for the simple reason that I am not afraid to ask someone to do business with me. So get over your self-consciousness and make it happen!

2.  Be tactful. Be it asking that gorgeous stranger out on a date or introducing yourself to a prized prospect, it always pays to put some thought into the approach. Often you will only get one chance, so rather than stumbling over your words as you try to make a pitch on the fly, come up with something clever or at the very least non-dorky to break the ice.

3. Don’t be afraid to swing for the fences. Taking a page from the book of Major League Baseball player José Bautista, currently the hottest hitter in the league, if you have great confidence and take a great swing whenever you get the chance, you will knock it out of the park with surprising regularity. If you don’t have enough confidence, try some self-affirmation. It may feel corny at first, but that’s how comedian/actor Jim Carey became successful; he spent countless hours practising and telling himself that he was funny.

4. Don’t forget the little things. This might not be quite the same in the bedroom, but in the sales game, little things can be extremely powerful in getting the close. Penning a follow-up thank-you note is a simple, effective example.

5. Don’t provide opportunities for your target customer or date to say no. Just as asking someone to marry you on the first date can be a decisive deal-breaker, you don’t want to rush the close. Steadily accelerating a relationship while making it easy to say yes (eg. “I have tickets to the U2 concert on Friday and JLo is busy that day. I’d rather go with you anyway; are you available?”)

6. Work the numbers. I once explained to my youngest brother on his 18th birthday, “If you approach (tactfully) 20,000 gorgeous women during your college years and strike out 99% of the time, you will have gone out with 200 beautiful women.” That’s a pretty good sample from which to choose a nice wife. I don’t think he got anywhere near 20,000, but he did end up with a wonderful wife.

By Rob Driscoll

Following a weekend that took a page from Murphy’s Law, I am compelled to present the Top 10 Reasons Why Your Weekend Was Better Than Mine:

10.  You didn’t have to spend your entire weekend moving your furniture and about a billion boxes to a new home in rain and hail, and you didn’t move into a house that was not completed on time and had mud pits instead of front and backyards.

9.  You didn’t slip on some netting at the start of the day and fall awkwardly to the floor, injuring your wrist.

8.  You didn’t find out the hard way that the stacked washer/dryer weighing hundreds of pounds cannot be separated into two units.

7.  You don’t have a friend named John who failed to notice that you were not holding said washer/dryer unit while pushing it on a dolly, and pulled the front end off the dolly, sending it crashing onto you. (I forgave him once I realized my back and spinal cord were still intact … since we were acting like a couple of big boobs, I guess you could call my gesture of forgiveness a Dolly Pardon.)

6.  You didn’t ask your girlfriend to push the washer/dryer up the stairs from the bottom with your friend while you pulled from the safety of the top of the stairs.

5.  Your girlfriend did not slip on water that had leaked from the washer and tumble to the bottom of the stairs, sustaining several large bruises and a cut that left a long streak of blood along the side of the washer. (Thankfully, John was able to prevent the unit from crushing both of them against the cement wall at the bottom of the stairs.)

4.  You didn’t try to carry a queen-size boxspring down to your basement only to find out that there is no way it would fit around the tight corner and through the door at the bottom of the stairs … and you didn’t gouge the newly painted walls in several places trying to get it through.

3.  You weren’t stupid enough to do the same thing with the headboard just before that.

2.  You didn’t roll your ankle and fall into the front mud pit carrying the boxspring back to the moving truck on the last load of the day!

1.  You weren’t in my shoes!

On the heels of my inaugural blog (new word of the week: inblogural) that focused largely on beach volleyball in Hawaii and at the risk of reading more like a travel log than business blog, I am compelled to highlight my recent trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico.

What a scene! Visiting Fifth Avenue, with its remarkable shopping and dining, is worth the trip on its own. Bargains galore, an abundance of beach/ocean activities from which to choose, a very high level of customer service and a great overall vibe in the community will have me going back soon.

It was nice to see the waves crashing from our condo and be 20 metres from the volleyball court, but especially nice was that, thanks largely to a lofty loonie (1.0466 US at last report), my pitches to realtors and developers in Mexico and Hawaii were successful enough to easily justify return trips.

Rob with a performer at the Red Cross fund-raiser who, with her wild dance moves, was something of a Mexican Shakira

I toured several real estate developments, and given Playa’s ideal climate, relatively low prices and the recent dramatic increase in the power of the Canadian dollar, I truly believe it’s a great time to look at investing in a piece of this Mexican paradise.

I found the locals very friendly and helpful, particularly realtor Lilia Martha Cisneros Muller, who kindly invited me to a Red Cross fund-raiser that provided a fabulous night of live music and dining at Mamitas Beach Club.

Lilia Martha Cisneros Muller - realtor in Playa del Carmen

Anyone interested in discussing real estate opportunities in the Playa del Carmen area can reach Lilia toll free at 1.800.495.5290 or sales@playatulumrealty.com.

Welcome to my first blog.

I may be a magazine publisher who spends a lot of time working with advertisers, but I was first and will always be a writer, so I look forward to typing content to my (and hopefully your) heart’s content.

I will be getting blogging help from social media manager Diandra Good, who is charged with ensuring our blog is written weekly and never weakly. She will be my co-blogger and will help line up guest contributions from various industry experts.

Meanwhile, online marketing specialist Stefanie Chomiak of Anduro Marketing is offering her extensive expertise on the do’s and don’ts of blogging.

Apparently, I am not supposed to go into great detail about each of my seven children, even though I’m sure you would be fascinated to know what each of them has planned for spring break. My seven-year-old and I had an epic wrestling match last night, which he won with a dazzling drop-kick from off the coffee table. (Oops, sorry Stef.)

Nor am I to give you a rundown on each of my beach volleyball matches this spring and summer, although I can’t help but tell you that I had the pleasure of playing a couple of matches in Hawaii last month against former pro volleyball player, model and TV celeb Gabrielle Reece and her male beach partner on a business trip (seriously … check out the Maui advertisers in the March 11 edition at www.BusinessEdge.ca for the proof that I was actually working!).

Teamed up with former Canadian champion and good friend Tony Wells, we dropped 10 straight points before remembering that we needed to keep our eyes on the ball, and finally rallied to win 17-15 in a lengthy old-school-rules match. While you take the time to do a web search for “Gabrielle Reece images”, keep in mind that she is every bit as charming as she is beautiful … although it didn’t seem so charming when she crushed me in the rematch. (I guess that makes me two-for-two in blogging sins.)

Last, Stefanie instructed me to avoid overuse of sales pitches. I told her not to worry as I’m sure everyone in cyberspace is already well aware that Business Edge News Magazine’s editorial excellence and unrivalled distribution to about 280,000 businesses translate to superior advertising value and that they can call me any time at 403.769.9359 if they are interested in joining the fun.

Sorry Stef – three strikes and I am OUT!